


Total Drama Legends

by DramaMachine, laurenshappenstobemyhusband



Category: Total Drama (Cartoon)
Genre: Cameron needs a hug... and advil, Duncan is outclassed by a rock, Keith u ok?, Manipulation Rule Uno: Dont call DJ's Mama an ox in spanish, Where does Owen's Mom store her cheese?, Will Zeke get eliminated first?! Probably..., nobody knows..., what.
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-13
Updated: 2020-11-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:33:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27536098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DramaMachine/pseuds/DramaMachine, https://archiveofourown.org/users/laurenshappenstobemyhusband/pseuds/laurenshappenstobemyhusband
Summary: What would a season of Total Drama be like if it was hosted by Topher and it had a budget of $36? This season, of course! This season takes place in the middle of the ocean! Hey, no rent, right?With returning faces such as: Duncan, DJ, DJ's Mama, Owen's Mom, Blaineley, and Zeke.And some ALL NEW faces like Tyler's hockey teammates who live by a strict bro code - Brett and SteveAlejandro's brother who tries so hard to match up to his brother's past performance - JoseSky's ex-boyfriend who's desperate to redeem himself by being a homicidal maniac - KeithCameron, but he's in a body cast for some reason. - Body-Cast-CameronLiterally just a stone statue of Duncan - Duncan Rockthe ACTUAL Willy Wonka! Why?! Nobody knows???!!?and MUCH MORE!Be sure to catch this season! Do it for Topher! He needs this, you guys!
Comments: 1
Kudos: 5





	1. Twenty Contestants, One Rent-Free Ocean - Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> when someone has >< around their name it means that they're in the confessional. when someone has [] around their name it means that they're speaking. parentheses are action cues. enjoy!

Episode 1: Twenty Contestants, One Rent-Free Ocean!

[Topher]

And we’re back with the roughest, toughest, most DANGEROUS season yet of Total Drama! I’m your fabu-ful host, Topher! Turns out the studio had enough of that sadistic zombie, so they hired me.

*Points at screen*

Good move, producers! Anyway, I’m here in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, where every week, 20 Total Drama legends will compete through brutal challenges! Every episode or so, one contestant will get eliminated and sent drifting off into the ocean. Crazy, I know, but our lawyers worked overtime to ensure that we wouldn’t be charged with hate crimes. Shoutout to Laura, Melissa, Brandon, Chuck, and Sherri. You guys are the real ones.  
Anyway, just like in previous seasons, the last contestant will be winning a prize. And this year, the winner of Total Drama Legends will be swimming home thirty six dollars richer! That’s enough to buy three cases of instant noodles!

…

Yeah, this season’s budget might not be as plentiful as past seasons, but that doesn’t matter. It’s all about the drama!

(whisper scream)  
I'M FINALLY A HOST, BAYBAY!

Oh-man! Here are our legends!

First up is television’s most notable Mommy-and-me duo. Total Drama Legends, DJ and DJ’s Mama!

*A boat approaches Topher. DJ and Mama are at the front*

*Holds out hand to DJ’s Mama*  
DJ’s Mama! How do you feel about your chan-

*DJ’s Mama slaps Topher’s hand hard*

Ow….

[Mama]

The heck you think you doin’, butter-talkin’ Mama! Only me and my boy DJ gonna win this competition, understand?!

[Topher]

Uh… Yeah? Nice to meet you too, Mama!

[DJ]

Don’t mind her, Topher. My Mama gets awfully competitive. It’s about time she’s in this competition, anyway.

[Topher]

From the amount of times you’ve mentioned her over your own three seasons, it was bound to happen!

Next up we have someone who everyone knows. He stuck it out for three seasons, won one of them, and taught us all the value of beans. Everyone’s favorite overeater, it’s Owen! Wait… (he squints at the paper) No… Owen’s Mom?!

[Owen’s Mom]

Oh, my son told me ALL about this cutesy little game! This is going to be BUNDLES of fun! I even brought Cheese! (holds up a cylinder of cheddar)

[Topher]

(whispering to his phone)  
Dude! I thought you said you got OWEN. Not his MOM.

(realizes camera is on him)  
Oh yeah-ha! Owen’s Mom everybody!

Well! Next contestant! He’s scrawny, talks a lot, and probably smells like oatmeal and baby powder. It’s the Revenge of the Island finalist who we all grew to tolerate, Cameron!

*an intern wheels out Cameron, who is in a full-body cast*

Cameron! How do you feel about your chances in this brand new- OH GOD. CAMERON WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOU

[(Body-Cast) Cameron]

MMPH! MMPH-MMPH!

(it is obvious he doesn’t want to be there)  
(Topher attempts to call producers. They do not pick up)

[Topher]

Uh.. It appears Cameron is slightly under the weather, but no matter. The show must go on! Right Cameron?

*Cameron falls on his face. He groans in discomfort. No one moves to help him back up.*

Yeah… Uh… Next we have… Brett and Steve… Who? Who are they?

[Brett]

(Brett jumps into the water, a chad on the outside)  
WOOHOO!

[Intern, whispering]

They’re Tyler’s hockey teammates.

[Topher]

Why couldn’t we just get Tyler?

[Intern, still whispering]

Out of our budget.

[Brett, realizing he is still unappreciated]

Wait, dude seriously? I was mentioned by Tyler in Season 3 Episode 9 during Lindsay’s Elimination ceremony! How can you not know who I am?

[Steve]

Yeah man, we’re iconic!

[Topher]

Right. Of course, how could I have forgotten… you two… Anyway, onto more relevant people! She competed against a show of people a decade younger than her and still only lasted two episodes. Once a well known celebrity talk show host. Give it up for Blaineley!

[Blaineley]

AKA, the winner of this season!

(Looks at the cast: DJ, his mom, Owen’s mom, cameron in a bodysuit, and two random people)

Oh… Is it just me, or are the losers this season more… loserish?

[Topher]

It’s not just you, believe me. (He sighs). Nope, no time for being a downer! A good host is always positive!  
*the next boat arrives*

Another pair of Total Drama newbies! They’re oozing with hair dye, screamo music, and daddy issues. Resident goths - Sadness and (double-take) Pestilence?

[Sadness]

Ugh. How did Gwen survive an hour with all these posers.

[Pestilence]

Sigh. Life is pain.

[Topher]

Then, you are gonna LOVE this season!

Next is Willy Wonka! Wait. THE Willy Wonka? Excuse me? Is that even allowed under copyright laws?

[Willy Wonka]

♩Oh, what a gift to partake in such fun! Like my chocolate factory, sweet chocolate like white, pecan-nut, gables, and berries! Such fun to have with a fellow man! As we walk to the chocolate path with many munchies and fun on the way! What a good day!♩

[Steve]

I think he had a stroke.  
(Willy Wonka starts convulsing, while still grinning)

[Topher]

...moving on. He’s best known for being dumped on live television and left for the world’s “nicest guy,” Sky’s ex-boyfriend Keith!

(Keith walks out. He's sort of scrawny, but has an evil look in his eyes. Like a dark Noah. Can he be the new Heather?)

With him comes Brady, the boyfriend of past legend, Beth!  
(He’s the chad you expect. He winks, beaming. His teeth shine. The cameras follow him for a moment, but Topher impatiently waves them back.)

The show! We have to focus on the show. Ehehem. You might recognize her from season 2 episode 8, where she was brought in as a reward. She’s brimming with personality and hair spray, she’s Leshaniqua!

[LeShaniqua]

YALL, this season’s gonna be OFF the chain! My lil cousin gave me all the tips I need to know to win!  
(Behind her rolls the robot, who stops in front of Topher, waiting for her introduction.)

[Topher]

Oh! Uh… reprising its role for the third time now, I think, is the total drama robot suit!  
*whispering* The Robot? (to cell) What about Leshawna! I thought you said you got her to compete in this season!

…

She said "She ain't got time for this...?"  
…

Sigh, guess the Robot will do.  
(looks at robot) Welcome, Robot!

(frowny light)

[LeShaniqua]

Rude! Try not to make noise, ok, TIN CAN.

(frowny light)

[Topher]

(Looks at notes)  
What a nice “family reunion”.  
(Throws out notes)  
Joining us as well, we have a man who was known for being QUITE a knockout with the ladies before he got knocked out himself on episode 7 of All Stars. Alejandro’s older brother, Jose!  
(Jose, Alejandro’s brother walks out. Just from his facial expression you can tell he means business.)

Next we have Manitoba Smith and Zeke. Phew, finally some recognizable faces!

[Zeke]

Yo Yo Yo! The Z-meister is in the house! Er- the ocean? Here to take the mil!

[Topher]

Actually, the budget has been cut. It’s only thirty six now. Which is still MONEY AM I RIGHT CAST!

[Zeke]

Woah… That’s a lot of cash! Which I intend to win!

[Manitoba]

Crikey, mate! You haven’t even lasted more than a single episode! Leave the winning to everyone’s favorite Aussie! (points at himself)

[DJ]

Hold on just a sec. Didn’t you used to be a little more feral? Like you had to be chased down and tranquilized feral? What happened to you?

[Zeke]

Rehab bro-ski! It helped me realize who I truly am meant to be.

[DJ]

Yeah? And who’s that?

[Zeke]

(blank stare)  
I don’t know.

[Topher]

Uh, enough about Zeke. Let’s top off our roster with… Total drama veteran: Duncan!  
(to cell) Duncan? Like, not his dad, or his cousin, or his goldfish! Sick, dude!

(A Duncan silhouette is wheeled out by an intern)

Duncan! How do you feel about your chances on the sh…

(A spotlight comes out of nowhere and shines on the silhouette. It is apparent that the shape is in fact a rock shaped like Duncan)

Is this a joke? THAT’S not Duncan, that’s a ROCK.

(intern whispers to Topher)  
What do you mean he was a fan favorite on the aftermath show? He- it’s a rock!

(intern whispers again)  
It was voted top ten best total drama characters on the tweeter poll?! Okay! Fine! I can deal with this. I’m an official show host, and I will act professionally. Duncan Rock, welcome to the show!

[Duncan Rock]

…

[Topher]

Haha, he’s a lively one! [He squints at an oncoming boat, then opens his eyes wide] Now here comes the actual living breathing total drama veteran, Duncan! THE REAL ONE! HA. HA HA.

[Duncan]

(Duncan steps out, looking around the cast. He sees Zeke picking his nose, Blainely posing at Brady, Cameron in a body-cast, and a rock duplicate of him. He closes his eyes, rubs them, and opens them again. The scene is still the same.)

What.

[Topher]

So, Duncan! How do you feel about yo-

[Duncan]

I thought I agreed to be in a REAL season. Who are these people? Did you pick this cast out of Walmart or somethin’?

(Topher gives a blank stare)

What-Is that Owen’s mom!

[Owen’s Mom]

Hey honey-buns! Want some cheese? (holds cylindrical cheese)

[Duncan]

And why is there a statue of me here? Who made this? Hey, jag-off! You forgot to give me LEGS.

[Topher]

That, Duncan, is your fellow competitor!

[Duncan]

Ha-ha. Very funny. Alright, I’m outta here. I’m not gonna be seen with this bunch of rejects.

[Topher]

Not so fast, Duncan. You signed a contract, remember?

[Duncan]  
Yeah, I did because I thought I’d see people like Courtney, Gwen, or even that chick Heather. You can send me back to prison for all I care.

[Topher]

Who needs girls when you have a chance to win a grand total of THIRTY. SIX. DOLLARS!

[Duncan]

Make that 36 million or your surgery will cost way more than $36. (holds up fist to Topher)

[Topher]

Ha-ha. Same old Duncan. Funny guy. (He backs several steps away and pushes the intern between him and Duncan) Alright everyone, gather on the Topher Tank so we can begin our introduction to our latest, greatest season yet!

[Cut to cast standing in the interior of a pathetic boat. The budget really wasn’t much at all]

Let’s see… 17, 18, 19... 19? Weren’t we supposed to have 20? Wasn’t Beth’s great-grandma supposed to be here?

[Brady]

Beth’s Nan Nan? She passed away 8 years ago. Very sad.

[Topher]

Huh. In any case, we’ll need to have 20 in order to make the season work. So…..  
(scans cast. Topher notices DJ is holding a flotation cushion)  
Aha! DJ, can you hand over your cushion for a sec?

[DJ]

Uh… This is my safety cushion. Swimming makes me nervous so I keep it with me, but alright!

[Topher]

(holds up cushion) DJ’s Cushion from now on will be the 20th contestant!

(Everyone looks confused)

[DJ]

But… It’s a cushion!

[Topher]  
Yes, and there is a Duncan-shaped rock competing in this season. It’s all bananas.

[DJ]

But…

[Manitoba]

Mate, this is a freebie elimination! We shouldn’t pass this up!

[DJ]

Oh, alright.

[Topher]

Anyway, back to the competition. This season - will be VERY different. Instead of taking place in an isolated location, we’ll be here, in the middle of the ocean the WHOLE time!

(collective gasp)

That’s right. But don’t expect it to be too different. As you know, the team that loses each episode’s challenge will lose a member. But a team that wins will have the privilege of sleeping in the luxurious Topher Tank! Which we are standing in right now.

[Keith]

Privilege? This boat has to be the ugliest little thing I’ve ever stepped foot in!

[Topher]

Hey! Don’t hurt its feelings! This boat has many facilities, including the confessional, which works like always!

>Zeke<

Woah… (looks around the bathroom)  
…  
They even have a sink!  
…  
(looks around)  
(his countenance changes. He is no longer Zeke. He is Ezekiel)  
Don’t think I’m still the naive idiot I was before. Since season 3, I’ve had a little insight into how these games work. If I were any of the other contestants, I’d watch their backs. But for now…  
… (swaps back to being our lovable homeschooled idiot)  
(looks down) Woah, they also have a toilet!

>Keith<

So this is, like, my first time in this stupid game. I watched the whole thing. I saw when Sky dumped me for that pathetic, five foot nothing, noodle armed, sad sack dork Dave. My football team made fun of me for weeks because of it! But like, when I win the money, she’ll come running back. Thirty six dollars isn’t nothing. I can buy, like, a full Burger King meal with it and still have leftover cash for the cab home.

>Blaineley<

Seriously, what is UP with this season’s budget?! Thirty six dollars isn’t enough to get my nails done. Not that it matters - I’m in it for the FAME. If I win this game, Celebrity Manhunt will hire me back for sure!  
…  
I mean, I don’t need them. They need me, GOT IT?

>DJ<

Whew. Gotta say, I hope I’m on my Mama’s team. I know what she’s like when she’s competitive. It’s not pretty. One time in third grade, I got second place in track on field day, and she drop-kicked the kid that beat me. Sorry Ashley Adams…

>Body-Cast Cam<

Mmph mm-mmph. Mmph! Mmph! NNNMMMMMM!

>Duncan Rock<

…

[Duncan from outside confessional]

(knocking on door)  
Uhh, Hello? Anyone in there?

[Topher]

(At topher tank dock)

Now that you’re all here and accounted for, we can begin your first challenge!

A mile down this expanse, there are three docks. On each dock there are building materials.

(Shot of building materials on three separate docks. One dock has a jackhammer, piles of aluminum, and a QUICK N EZ BOAT manual.  
Another one has wood, a sledgehammer, and some nails.  
The last one has straw, and a container of glitter)

Quality of building materials may vary between docks, but you probably want to end up on the one with the jackhammer. Two docks will hold 7 people, and the first will hold 6, for a grand total of twenty people.

Once everyone arrives, teams will be determined. On my left, you will find some means of transportation to get there.  
(Shot of a motorboat, water skies, floaties, flippers, and a rock, which is somehow floating)

Oh… and one more thing…  
(music ding)  
Each episode you’ll have to sing a song! Like from world tour!

[Duncan]

Man, seriously? Is there another plane I can jump out of?

[Willy Wonka]

It’s a dream come true!

[Topher]

Yup! Sing or face elimination! And this time, elimination means a lot worse than a trip to London. First come, first serve! Ready, GO! Remember to flex those vocal cords!

(Everybody runs toward the modes of transportations)

(Keith jumps on the motorboat)  
(Brady attaches the jet skis)

[Blaineley]

Hey! Are you a two-time jet ski model? Because I AM. Now get off!

[Brady]

Sorry, but we were here first. Gun it Keith!

[Keith]

Yeah!  
(guns it)

[Duncan]

(picks up a jetpack looking thing)  
A jetpack? Sweet.  
(puts it on)

[Blaineley]

Ahem. I’ll be taking that, now.

[Duncan]

Pfft.  
(flies away)  
(realizes he doesn’t know how to control a jetpack)  
AHHHHHHH.

>Blaineley<

What is up with this horrible, horrible treatment I’m receiving? Is this what it’s like to NOT be a celebrity?

[Mama]

(She is in a submarine)  
Son! Get in!

[DJ]

Wow! Didn’t know you knew how to drive a submarine, Mama!  
(Climbs inside)

[Mama]

Devon Joseph, I have no idea what I’m doing.

[Jose]

(from on top)  
Hey!  
I must say, ma’am, the fact that you can drive a submarine is remarkable! It really brings out the crimson in your eyes.

(Mama throws unspecified object at Jose)  
Oof!  
(Jose tumbles into the submarine)

[Mama]

Boy, I’m 30 years older than you! But thank you!

[Zeke]

(Zeke pokes his head from above, like Jose)  
Uhh… I also think you’re hot!  
(unspecified object thrown at Zeke)  
Doyee!  
(falls on top of Jose)

[DJ]

Go, Mama, go!

[Brett]

Cannonball!  
(jumps in water)

[Steve]

WOOHOOHOO! Pool party!  
(follows Brett into the water)

(LeShaniqua speeds away with flippers. Willy Wonka sits at the head of a banana boat with Manitoba Smith and Robot in the back. Willy is yodeling)

Uhh… Bro, shouldn’t we, like, take something to get there with?

[Brett]

Oh. Uh… Let’s just swim it!

[Steve]

Bro. That is the BEST idea I have ever heard. You’re like, Albert Einstein, or something.

[Brett]

Thanks, bro!

>Steve<

My guy Brett is the brains of the group back home. Tyler has those super-strong fingers that can open even the toughest of pickle jars. Brett has all the genius ideas. And I, uh, bring the mojo! Yeah!

[Body-Cast Cameron]

(shot of Body-Cast-Cameron on the floor, incapacitated. He notices everyone has departed. On his left are Duncan Rock and DJ Cushion.)

*muffled groan*

[Owen’s Mom]

You poor thing. How would you like it if I were to give you a ride?

[Body-Cast Cameron]

Mm-hmm! Mm-Hmm! Mm-hmm!!!!

[Owen’s Mom]

Alright! All aboard!

[BCC]

(muffled) Woohoo!  
Hmm? Mmm…  
(Realizes Owen’s Mom was talking to DJ Cushion and Duncan Rock)

(Owen’s mom lifts DJ Cushion and throws it on top of a giant cheese wheel which is floating in the water.  
She barely lifts Duncan Rock)

[Owen’s Mom]

(To Duncan Rock)Whew! Sweetie, you’re about as heavy as my son Owen when he was a babe!

(Chucks Duncan Rock on the cheese. Somehow, the cheese stays afloat.)

[BCC]

(muffled) WAIT! NOOOOO!

[Owen’s Mom]

Huh? Oh… Well, I guess I can take you too… There’s always room to spare!

(she chucks Body-Cast-Cameron on the cheese. He slams the rock, but he doesn’t fall off. There is a snapping noise.)

[BCC]

*SCREAMING IN PAIN*

[Owen’s Mom]

Don’t be complaining now. Be a good trooper, like my son always is!

>Owen’s Mom<

Oh, I used to car-pool for my son Owen all the time! Sigh… Now that he’s all old and independent, I haven’t driven him around in a while. Also, because, well, It’s hard to fit him in the car nowadays.

[Topher]

(In a helicopter above everyone)  
It seems like everyone has found one way or another to travel to their destination! Who will make it first? Will they all make it alive! And most importantly, who is flying this helicopter that I am standing on!  
(Camera pans to control panel. There is a Chef Balloon)  
Find out after the break! AHHHHHH.

[Break]  
[Unbreak]

[Zeke]

Uhh… (rubs his head)  
Yo-yo! The Z-miester is conscious yet again! That’s, like, one step closer to the prize! Wooooo!

[Mama]

Devon, tell the hobo to zip it or else we’ll eject him out the back, alright boy?

[DJ]

Mm… My Mama would like you to be quiet. Ok?  
(Zeke nods, frightened)

(Jose opens his eyes)

>Jose<

Hook, line, and sinker. If I learned anything from my brother’s lackluster performance in the third season, it’s that manipulation is everything. And even though he beat me in the boxing match in All Stars, I’m still the superior brother. Always have been, always will be. All I need to do is find the perfect victim… Like DJ’s Mama. As a master manipulator, I smell weakness. Like a shark.

[Jose]

Can I just say,  
(Goes next to Mama who is concentrated at the steering wheel)  
In my spanish culture, we have a saying to relate to beautiful women. “belleza de un buey”.

[Mama]

DJ, eject this bum for calling yo mama an ox.

[DJ]

Mama, isn’t that-

[Mama]

DO WHAT I SAY DEVON JOSEPH YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE MAMA WHEN SHE’S MAD.

[DJ]

(shrieks)  
(grabs Jose)

[Jose]

No! Wait!  
(Elimination Music begins playing)

(DJ opens the submarine door. Water begins flooding in)  
(Alarms begin blaring)

[Mama]

DEEJAY!!!!!! ABANDON SHIP!  
(Mama puts on a scuba mask)

[DJ]

Where’s my floaty!? AHHHH.

(Zeke sulks away. He dives out of the door of the sinking submarine and swims up. DJ and Mama follow with scuba gear. Jose is last to swim up.)

(Zeke surfaces)

[Zeke]

GASP!  
(Looks around. He is at the finish line. There are docks around him. Zeke climbs onto the one with the jackhammer and aluminum.)  
No way, man! First place! Woohoohoo!

[Blaineley]

I wouldn’t count on that.  
(She is sitting on a lounge chair reading a magazine.)

[Zeke]

Lady, how did you get here, yo?

[Blaineley]

Homeschool, one thing you should be aware of is that good looks are EVERYTHING. (smiles at camera). Also, it's a fact of life that those who are blainerific are scientifically unable to lose. Like me!

[Zeke]

But didn’t you lose in-  
(Blaineley slaps a hand over his mouth)

[Blaineley]

Stop talking, your breath is stinking up the air! (nervous laugh)

[Topher]

Blaineley! Zeke! Congrats on making it first!  
(He stumbles out, injured a bit)

[Zeke]

Woah, man! What happened to you?

[Topher]

NEVER let Chef pilot a helicopter! Got it?  
(Zeke nods)

[Owen’s Mom]

(The cheese is going full speed, faster than any motorboat)  
Look, boy! There’s the finish line!

(The cheese doesn’t stop)  
Hmm! Too much weight! It’s making the cheese go too fast!

(She holds BCC above her head)

[BCC]

MMPH?!

[Owen’s Mom]

Sorry kid, I got to release some weight from this boat! No hard feelings, okay?  
(She hurtles BCC toward the docks)

[BCC]

MMMMMHHHH!!!!

(BCC lands on the victory dock with Blaineley and Zeke. Something else snaps. They give him a blank stare.)

[Blaineley]

Ew. Get it off!

[Topher]

Body-Cast Cameron! Congratulations for making it third! Somehow!

[BCC]

*Confused muffled cheering*  
*And then groaning*

[Owen’s Mom]

(Somehow, the cheese boat didn’t lose speed after Cameron was booted off.)  
AHHHHHHHH  
(The cheese crashes into a nearby buoy.)  
(The three passengers fly in different directions. Owen’s Mom lands on the dock with Zeke, Duncan Rock lands on the dock with the wood, and DJ Cushion lands on the dock with the glitter.)

Huh? (Looks at her 3 teammates)  
Why, hello teammates! Anyone want some cheese? (Pulls out cheese glob)

(Cameron groans)

[Topher]

Owen’s Mom, Duncan Rock, and DJ Cushion! Congrats on making it!

[Mama]

(GASPS FOR AIR)  
DJ? WHERE YOU AT?  
(Climbs on the first dock)

[Topher]

Mama! You made it! And these are your teammates!

[Mama]

Where’s my DJ?!

[Topher]

I don’t know, but you better hope he comes soon because there is only ONE SLOT left on this team.

[Mama]

Oh no!  
(spots DJ sputtering nearby)

[DJ]

Mama! (Blub-blub) I’m here!

[Mama]

DEEJAY! GET YOUR BUTT OVER HEAH!

[DJ]

I’m coming (Blab-gasp) Mama!

(DJ swims towards the dock. He puts his hand on it)

[Jose]

(Launches himself on top of the dock)  
(He lands feet-first)  
(Grins)

[Mama]

What- YOU-

[Topher]

Sorry, Deej! Looks like you’re on another team!

[DJ]

(tearfully) Mama..? Hey! My safety cushion is on that dock!

[Topher]

DJ, that dock is the loser dock. They have a severe disadvantage in the upcoming challenge… Annnnnd you don’t care.

[DJ]

(Hugging Cushion)  
I missed you...

[Mama]

DEEJAY! MY SON! NOOOOO! I’LL KILL YOU, SPANISH GUY!

(lunges at Jose)  
(tackles Jose into the water)

>DJ<

This isn’t good… The last thing I want is to be on a different team then Mama. Oh, mama… (sobs)

[Topher]

With that, we have our first team! Blaineley, Ezekiel, Mama, Jose, Owen’s Mom, and Body-Cast-Cameron!

[BCC]

(muffled) THAT'S NOT MY NAME!!

[Blaineley]

Alright, losers. Let’s get one thing straight. I will be acting as team leader. There will be no objections. Caprihendai?

[Jose]

(bruised, yet still smiling) Caprihendai.

>Jose<

It appears that I’ve masterfully manipulated DJ’s Mama. Now all I need to do is get the pretentious blonde under my control and I'll be all set.

[Mama]

You can be team leader - If we agree to get this spanish hooba out first!

[Blaineley]

I like the way you’re thinking!

>Blaineley<

It’s the first episode and I’m NOT a target? (scoff) It’s like she’s asking me to win this game.

[Jose]

Wait! Let’s not jump to any conclusions, okay?

[Owen’s Mom]

Oh, you have the most adorable little cheeks! (pinches Jose’s cheeks)

[Jose]

*cursing in spanish*

(cuts to a giant fish surfacing near the dock)  
(It opens its mouth)  
(Sadness and Pestilence walk out, both are clearly content)

[Sadness]

It was like, totally chill inside of that fish.

[Pestilence]

Yeah, we should totally tell Cassandra and Gwen about it.

[Sadness]

I have wax candles. Wouldn’t it be the vibe if I would spread them out inside of that fish.

[Pestilence]

Yeah. Ugh. I just remembered how much the real world sucks.

[Sadness]

And smells. We should’ve just stayed inside the fish.

[Pestilence]

I agree. The stench of fish still pales in comparison to the stench of capitalism out here.

[Topher]

I have… so many questions, but I digress. Congrats on arriving on the second-place team, gwenfriends!

[Sadness]

Don’t call us that.

[Pestilence]

(To Sadness) Hey.  
(They both look at Duncan Rock)  
He’s pretty hot.

[Sadness]

Totally.

(Jetpack noises)(Duncan crashes onto dock 2)

[Duncan]

Wow! Gotta say, this jetpack is totally my thing! I’m keeping it.

[Topher]

No, you are not. (grabs the jetpack) This thing is worth more than the prize money and your life put together!  
But… Congrats on making it! These are your current teammates.

[Duncan]

(Surveys his team: Pestilence and Sadness. They are looking at something)  
Hey, what’s the big deal?  
(Notices they’re looking at Duncan Rock)

[Pestilence]

(To Duncan Rock)So hot.

[Duncan]

Wha- That’s just a statue of me! Now, if you want the real-deal, I’m currently availab-

[Sadness]

Shh. Don’t speak. You’re ruining the atmosphere.

>Duncan<

Since when are people more attracted to rocks than me? Did something happen to the planet while I was in the slammer?

[Topher]

Looks like Keith and Brady are on track to arrive!

[Keith]

(Keith smoothly pulls up next to the second dock. Brady not-so-smoothly gets launched on the dock)

(Keith looks at the camera)  
How was that, Sky? Can DAVE do that?

[Brady]

Good work teammate!  
(Walks off dock because of his dizziness)  
(Falls into water)

[Topher]

Brady. Keith. Congratulations! You didn’t come in last place!

[Brady]

Wooohoooooooo.... Isn’t that great, Keith! You’re the man!

[Keith]

No. YOU’RE the man! Now c’mere!  
(Keith noogies Brady)

[Brady]  
Heh Heh… Heh… Ah… AH! TOO HARD! AHH!  
(He backs away)

>Keith<

Sometimes, like, I feel like I’m the only person in the room with an IQ above 12… This Brady fellow seems nice, though kind of slow, and pretty eager to gain a friend. Like, I’ll humor him for now. Any friend is useful around since it's the beginning and stuff. You hear that Sky? I’m moving on. Impressed yet? Or are you too busy making out with bald Dave?! (smooch smooch)  
What? I’m not bitter. I’m Keith.

[Topher]

6 Contestants left. Only one slot left on the non-loser team. Who will- Hey! There’s Brett and Steve! And they’re just… swimming?

Okay…

[Brett]

Come on, Steve! It’s just like in gym class!  
Hey, there it is!

[Steve]

Hustle! Hustle!

[Brett]

(Grabs onto dock 2. Climbs up.)  
I MADE IT!

[Duncan]

Jeez, how many jocks are on this show?

[Pestilence]

I don’t think I have enough fingers to count.

[Brett]

Hey. STEVE! We made it!

[Topher]

Not so fast, Bretty-boy. Team 2 is full. Steve, you’re on Team 3 with DJ and his cushion.

[Steve]

Brett!

[Brett]

Steve!

[Steve]

BRETT!

[Brett]

STEVE!

[Steve]

BRETT!

[Brett]

STEVE!

[Steve]

Good luck, man.

[Brett]

Same to you.

[Topher]

Huh.  
With that, we have our not-first-not-last contestants: Sadness, Pestilence, Duncan, Duncan Shaped Rock,

[Duncan]

I still don't understand why there’s a rock-

[Topher]

Keith, Brady and Brett.

[Duncan]

Ok, since I’m the veteran, I should be the leader right?  
…  
No objections?  
…  
Sweet!  
(Duncan Rock topples over, landing on Duncan’s toes.)  
...  
aaaAHHHHH-

>Duncan<

Look. Normally I wouldn’t be so worked up over a rock, but something about that thing rubs me the wrong way. I’m watching you, Rock.

[LeShaniqua]

Man! These things are imPOSSIBLE to swim in!

[Topher]

LeShaniqua. You’re on team 3! Some may say you got the worst deal out of any team, but look on the bright side!

[LeShaniqua]

…  
What “bright” side!

[Topher]

The fun part is figuring out what the bright side is!

[Steve]

We have glitter. Everything goes bright when it goes in your eyes. Speaking from experience here.

[Topher]

Alright! We are waiting on 3 contestants… Manitoba Smith, Drama Machine, and Willy Wonka. Heh. Still can’t believe the producers managed to get Willy Wonka to join this game. How does that even work? Isn’t he a fictional character?

[BCC]

(muffled) I saw them on a banana boat, I think.

[Blaineley]

News flash, kid. NO ONE UNDERSTANDS YOU. Or cares.

[BCC]

(muffled) Then why don’t you take the bandages off my mouth!

[Owen’s Mom]

I think he wants cheese. Is that what you want, sweetkins!

[BCC]

(muffled) NOOO! NOO!  
(Owen’s Mom manages to stuff cheese into Cameron’s mouth without unwrapping the bandages. Incredible!)

[Cut to Manitoba, Robot, and WW seemingly in the middle of nowhere]

[Willy Wonka]

Tralala! Places to go! Places to be! Woo-poo-pee! La-dee

[Manitoba]

Err… Mate?

[Willy Wonka]

Dee doo dum dum dum do

[Manitoba]

Mate…

[Willy Wonka]

Dum dum dum do blub blub bee

[Manitoba]

Crikey, mate! Do ye have an idea where the koala you’re goin’?

[Willy Wonka]  
Oh, my sweet australian cupcake. It’s not about the destination, it’s about the fun!

[Robot]

…  
*Angry Beep*

[Manitoba]

(to Robot)Hold on, don’t fret gorgeous.

(Manitoba licks finger)  
(He sniffs it)  
...North! (He points north)

[Willy Wonka]

Sigh. Oh, alright.

[Manitoba]

Hey mate. Even though you went completely off-track and we’re further from the finish line than from where we even started, and even though we’re most likely in last place, I still like ya, mate.  
Because you’re true to yourself. And hey, that’s all that matters.  
(tilts hat)

>Manitoba<

Remind me to never bunka’ with this nut for boot camp. But for now, I can use an ally or two.

>Willy Wonka<

I think that me and that funny hat-wearing fellow will be the bestest of friends!

>Robot<

*angry beep*

[back to docks 2 HOURS LATER]

[Topher]

(Topher is playing go fish with Duncan, Duncan Rock and Keith.)

(Sigh), you have a 9?

[Keith]

Go fish.

[Topher]

FINALLY. They made it.

(A banana boat approaches. At the head, Willy Wonka is there, standing tall and smiling. Manitoba looks exhausted. Robot is in the back)

[Topher]

Robot! Manitoba Smith! Willy Wonka! You made it… somehow.  
You’re all on Team 3. And since you came so late, all 3 of you are BARRED from the next challenge. Yeah. That’s what you get for making me play Go Fish with Keith!

[Keith]

Hey…

[Topher]

And with that, we have our 3 teams!  
But we aren’t just done yet. Teams, discuss amongst yourselves what you want your team name to be! I’m giving you all… 10 seconds! Ready- GO!

[Team 1]  
[Zeke]

How about team Electric Guitar! (mimics electric guitar with voice and fingers)

[Blaineley]

Someone PLEASE shut this dork up. As team leader, I hereby propose the team name Team Blainerific! No objections? Good.

[Jose]

No objections at all, gorgeous. I must say, your hair is as gorgeous as my brother Alejandro is not gorgeous.

[Topher]

Did I hear Alejandro? Team 1 - you are Team Alejandro!

[Jose]

What?!  
(An emblem appears on the screen. It is a stylized picture of Alejandro’s face.)

[BCC]

(muffled groan)

>Jose<

(swears in spanish)

>Ezekiel<

Team Alejandro, eh? Guess that figures. After all, I’d consider myself the Alejandro of Total Drama Legends.

>Blaineley<

I’M the victim here!  
(loud sobbing)  
(checks mirror. Cleans makeup with a blank expression)  
(resumes crying)

[Team 2]

[Sadness]

Hmmm…

[Pestilence]

Team Death.

[Sadness]

Yes.

[Duncan]

I dig it.

[Keith]

*shrugs*

[Brett]

Uhh…

[Topher]

Team DEATH it is!  
[an emblem with a skeleton with x’s for eyes appears on the screen]

[Pestilence]

Awesome.

[Team 3]

[Manitoba]

The Dingos!

[Willy Wonka]

Team FABULOUS!

[Steve]

Team Brett!

[Brett]

(from dock 2) Love you man!

[LeShaniqua]

How about Team Winner!

[Robot]

Beep. Beep.

[DJ]

Mama… I just want to be with my Mama.  
MAMA WHYYYYY.  
WHYYYY MAMA WHYYYYY!

[Topher]

Seems you all came to an agreement!  
Team Mama Why Why Mama Why!  
(an emblem appears with a stylized picture of Mama)

[Everyone but DJ]

What?!

[Topher]

And… That’s all for this episode! Next episode, our teams will have their first team challenge, and boy, is it a good one.  
(Chris giggle)  
How was that Chris snicker? Was working on it for weeks!  
But be sure to stay tuned for

Total.  
Drama.  
LEGENDS.  
...

[Duncan]

That was weak.

[Topher]

Oh, I’m sorry.  
(grabs megaphone)  
TOTAL.  
DRAMA.  
LEGENDS!  
(Duncan flies off the dock from the sheer sound)

[Duncan]

Better...


	2. 20 Contestants, One Rent-Free Ocean - Part 2

[Topher]

Last time on the BEST season of Total Drama -

We were introduced to our cast of 20 contestants with some that may or may not be inanimate objects. Even though it was only the first episode, DRAMA was in the air. After a thrilling water race, the contestants split into 3 teams - Team Alejandro, Team Death, and Team Mama Why, Why Mama Why.

Right now, the teams are getting ready to begin the first challenge - which is yet to be announced. Stay tuned, and make sure to catch this thrilling episode of TOTAL. DRAMA.

LEGENDS.

[Total Drama Legends Intro]

[Topher]

Contestants. Gather ‘round. 

We are about to begin our first team challenge of Total Drama Legends. This challenge will in fact end with somebody going home, so be sure to give it your A-game!

As you can see, each dock has an array of different materials to be used to build stuff. Team Alejandro, since your team arrived first, you get the best of the best. Team Death, you guys are in the middle of the spectrum with building wood. And Team Mama Why, since your team arrived last, you get to deal with items that can barely be considered building materials at all! (camera cuts to glitter and straw) Have fun with that, ha ha.

Now for the real challenge!

Teams, you will be building a boat. It won’t just be a boat though. As you know, the budget for this season wasn’t terrifically high, so we couldn’t  _ exactly _ afford sleeping quarters.

  
[Keith]

But I thought you said that we’re gonna sleep in the Topher Tank!

[Topher]

Yeah, that’s for the winning team ONLY. Originally we were going to have everyone else wing it in the ocean, but the lawyers were all up on our backs about that, so… For the first challenge, you will be building your sleeping quarters for the rest of the season! Woohoo!

[Zeke]

Yo yo yo! Then, how’s a team supposed to win the challenge, eh?

[Topher]

Good question, Zeke. We’re gonna pit each team’s boat in a race. The team that makes it to the finish line first wins immunity, and the team that finishes last… Well… it’s the Lonely Drift Off of Shame for one unlucky member! Oh and be sure to watch out for some -hazards- in the water! How’s that? I’m like Chris, isn’t this fun?

[Duncan]

Needs more piranhas.

…

and electric eels.

[Topher]

Well, I’m sorry, Duncan. Piranhas weren’t in the bargain bin. But don’t you worry your bushy unibrow over a thing. These hazards will be something, alright. (evil snicker)

>Blaineley<

This challenge is going to be such a pushover. With Jose following my every whim, even if we lose, I’ll have control over the poor schmuck that goes home. Yeah, I told Mama I’d help her get Jose out, but I don’t think I’m ready to do that… Yet.

*Gasp* Am I the HEATHER of this season? (shudder) I hope nobody’s thinking that. That brat wishes she was me!

>Jose<

I’ve already masterfully manipulated both DJ’s Mother and the blonde one. All I need to do is get one more fool on my side, and I’ll have the majority. And then? The elimination ceremony will be under my command!

*Gasp* Am I the ALEJANDRO of this season? (shudder) I sure hope nobody’s thinking that. That idiota wishes he was me!

[TEAM ALEJANDRO EMBLEM]

[SHOT OF THE TEAM. Zeke is examining a book upside down, Jose is approaching Owen’s Mom, the other team members are looking at the materials, which are made of aluminum and a jackhammer. BCC is lying immobile at the edge of the dock. It’s like he doesn’t exist. He makes a muffled groan.)

[Owem’s Mom]

This challenge sure seems like a doozy, doesn’t it Alejandro?

[Jose]

(holding back rage) Silly Owen’s Mom, that’s my brother! I’m the far superior Jose! 

[Owen’s Mom]

Sorry, Joe. Hey, can I call you Joe? It’s easier to pronounce, ha ha.

>Jose<

How dare she call me “Joe”. The only person who’s ever called me that was my detestable brother. But… Just for now, I’ll allow it. For the sake of the master-manipulation at hand. Like a shark.

[Jose]

Why, of course! Joe… What a beautiful name! Speaking of beautiful names, I have a feeling your name is quite a beautiful one(unlike my brother Alejandro’s name, which is not beautiful).

[Owen’s Mom]

Oh, well, Owen’s Mom is my name!

  
[Jose]

It is?! Well, I’ve never heard a lovelier one in my life! Anyways, how would you like to be in an alliance with me? I could guarantee your safety from elimination for quite a while if you were to accept.

[Owen’s Mom]

Sure thing, hookums. Want some cheese? (pulls out cheese)

>Jose<

Score one, for Jose. 

…

Where does she… Where does she store that cheese?

[Zeke]

(Holding EZ BOAT manual in hands upside down) This book says Ecneirepxe gnireenigne dnah tsrif evah ot deen uoy 

Wow. Dunno what language this is, but it sure is beautiful, eh?

[Blaineley]

That’s because you’re holding it upside down, dimwit.

[Mama]

Hey! Be nice to the poor boy! He’s just learning!

>Mama<

That boy reminds me of how Devon Joseph acted in the Second Grade! (Sigh) I miss those days... DJ used to stuff glue in his pocket because he wanted “Ice Cream for the Road”.

[Blaineley]

Give me that! (snatches book)

Uch, this book uses too many science words!

Hey bubble boy! You’re smart! Tell us what this book says!

[BCC]

(muffled) HUH?

(Blaineley places the closed book on BCC’s incapacitated body)

(muffled) Uh…

(Book slides off of him into the water)

(muffled) No!!!!

(book sinks under the water)

[Jose]

Great! You lost us the book! Such incompetencia!

[Blaineley]

Nice going, bubble boy!

[BCC]

(muffled groan)

[Zeke]

(sparks light up Zeke’s eyes) 

(Zeke dives into the water, the music cue that plays when someone does something awesome plays)

(Zeke pops out of the water with the book)

I GOT IT, YO!

  
[Mama]

Yeah! Mah hero!

  
[Jose]

Heh. Not bad, kid.

>Zeke<

WOOHOOHOO! My chances of going home first today are next to zero! My chances of winning just skyrocketed!

[Owen’s Mom]

Well, It’s kind of soggy, but still readable. Nice one, youngin! 

  
[Blaineley]

At least we know not to trust this dweeb to hold anything anymore. (points to BCC)

[BCC]

(muffled) WHAT?! 

(muffled groan)

[Cut to TEAM DEATH]

[Sadness]

Me and Pes, like, took relaxational boat-making classes, so leave it to us.

[Duncan]

Relaxational boat-making classes? Heh. Sounds like something Harold would do for fun.

[Pestilence]

This poser clearly doesn’t appreciate the art of meditation.

[Sadness]

I wish there were more on our team like DR.

[Pestilence]

Yeah. So hot.

[Duncan]

Wait. DR?

[Sadness]

Stands for Duncan Rock.

[Pestilence]

Guess he’s the one with all of the brains, too.

(Duncan rolls his eyes)

[Keith]

So you’re saying you two got this whole thing in the bag? With your boat training whatever?

  
[Pestilence]

Yeah.

[Keith]

Alright then. How about me and Brady do some espionage? Wouldn’t it be a shame if something were to happen to the other teams’ boats?

[Sadness]

(Sigh). I don’t care. Just leave us alone in peace. (puts hand around Duncan Rock)

>Duncan<

GAHHH. What do those goths see in him?!

He’s just a rock!

…

It’s just a rock. It. Not he,  _ it. _

[Keith]

Perfect. 

Come on, Brady-boy. Let’s go create some chaos. Follow me to dock 3!

  
[Brady]

Whatever you say, BEST FRIEND.

(Keith and Brady jump into the water)

[Brett]

HEY STEVE. (calls to dock 3)

[TEAM MAMA WHY EMBLEM]

[Steve]

YEAH BRO. (calls to dock 2)

[Brett (off screen)]

YOU NEED ANY HELP?

[Steve]

Uh…

(looks at his team. Manitoba, Willy Wonka, and Robot are not able to participate in this challenge. Leshaniqua is pouring glitter in her hair, and DJ is sobbing and hugging DJ Cushion)

MAYBE A LITTLE..?

[Brett]

AIGHT BRO, I’M COMING OVER.

(Brett jumps into the water. He rushes past Keith and Brady.)

[Keith]

Hey, what do you think you-

(Brett ignores him, splashing water as a result of his fast swimming.)

…

Hmm… Brady, you’re my best friend right?

[Brady]

Uh-huh.

  
[Keith]

That means you trust me, right?

[Brady]

Yeah, brother!

>Brady<

I don’t think Keith’s had a lot of friends before. I mean, best friends with someone on the first day of meeting them? But there’s no point in making him sad over it, so I’ll just go along with it. He’s chill anyway. You know, when he’s not staring evilly into the distance.

[Keith]

I think Brett is BAD NEWS. I mean look at him, helping the other team! He could cost us the win. If we lose, he’s out of here, got it?

[Brady]

I guess, but it seems like he’s just helping a brother in need, you know? I respect that.

>Keith<

Am I the only SANE person on my team?! That guy is a TRAITOR and Brady is just brushing him off as ‘helping a bro’. UGH. After Brett gets out, Brady will be soon to follow! But for now, I need him, so I’ll put up with this ‘hip boy’ charade.

[Keith]

You’re so right. Helping a ‘brutha’ in need takes priority.

  
[Brady]

It warms my heart. Hey, how’s about we mess with Team Alejandro instead?

[Keith]

Best friend, you have read my mind.

(They turn around)

[Cuts to DJ sobbing, Manitoba and Willy are attempting to comfort him]

[DJ]

(incoherent sobbing)

[Manitoba]

Mate, I understand why you feel this way. But this challenge is in your hands. You have got to at least try!

[Willy Wonka]

(pops a flower out of his sleeve with a cartoonish noise. It doesn’t help)

[DJ]

(sobbing, still)

No, it's okay. I want to get out. I can’t see myself competing against my own Mama! If we lose, I want you to vote me out!

[Manitoba]

(shrugs)

Alright, mate, just don’t get in anyone’s way. I don’t want to see any sabotage business going on.

[Willy]

(singing) If you were to force us in last, **I’ll rip your heart** **out and** **shove it up** **y** **our-**

[Robot]

(frowny face lights up)(I don’t think that the robot can make noises but i really don’t remember)

[Brett and Steve are working on building a straw boat. They are using the glitter as glue It is not working.]

[Topher approaches them on a motorboat]

[Topher]

Uhh… Brett..? Are you sure you’re on this team? Did you make a wrong turn anywhere?

[Brett]

Nah, man. I’m just helping my guy in need. Is there something wrong with that?

[Topher]

(shrug)

(motorboats away)

[Keith and Brady are at Team Alejandro’s dock. Zeke, Mama, and Jose are putting together a metal boat. Owen’s Mom is handing out cheese. Blaineley is doing her nails. Cameron is on the ground, in the same position as before]

[Keith]

Here we are, Brady-Boy. Check out what I made after the racing challenge. (Holds up a miniature pipe bomb made from the motorboats engine)

[Brady]

A bomb, huh? This is gonna be - a blast! Wait, where did you learn to make bombs?

[Keith]

Blasty Steve’s Explosive’s Camp. I learned all kinds of cool things there.

>Brady<

So Sky has a thing for guys who are… different. Huh.

[Keith]

(Keith sneaks behind the dock. He notices BCC, who is looking at the sky, bored)

Hehehehe…

(He attaches the pipe bomb to BCC, under a bandage)

(whispering) Let’s get out of here!

[BCC]

(BCC notices this)

(muffled) Hmm?

**(MUFFLED SCREAMING)**

[Blaineley]

(Cameron is still screaming)

(Sigh) Bubble boy, you are KILLING the mood right now, you know that?! How am I supposed to get my nails done like this?

[BCC]

(muffled) NO NO NO. LISTEN. THERE'S A BOMB.

[Jose]

There’s a bond?

Why yes. There sure is a bond, especially between me and the beautiful Owen’s Mom.

[Blaineley]

Hey! I am infinitely more beautiful AND popular than that Cheesehead!

[Owen’s Mom]

(too pure to take that as an insult) Thanks, pumpkin.

[BCC]

(muffled groaning)

[Brady and Keith are swimming away]

[Brady]

Ha! Dude, that was awesome! Wait… So like, this won’t seriously injure them or anything, right?

[Keith]

Relax, Brady. All the bomb’s gonna do is collapse their ship. The kid in the cast? He seems injured enough already! He’ll be fine! Probably. And I’ll do all the blastin’ remotely. (holds up a remote with a single red button)

So I won’t even use it unless we really need to. Just to be safe.

[Brady]

Uh… ok!

>Brady<

Man, I still consider Keith to be a good bro, but he can be scary sometimes! I might have to watch my back around him...

>Keith<

Would I be Chris’s favorite contestant or what? YOU WATCHING ME SKY? I CAN BUILD  **PIPE BOMBS** OUT OF A  **MOTORBOAT** . Can  **DAVE** do that?

(regains himself)

I got this in the bag.

**  
** [Keith and Brady arrive back at Team Death’s dock]

[Sadness and Pestilence stand next to the finished boat, made of polished wood. On the front of the boat, there seems to be a carving of a skull with a top hat. Under the skull with the top hat, the words “Society” are carved in. There are wax candles at every square inch]

[Pestilence]

I dub thee - “Ark of Society”

[Sadness]

That name is solid.

[Duncan]

Heh. So the boat-carving lessons paid off. I’m impressed. 

[Sadness]

All in favor for DR to be captain?

(Sadness and Pestilence raise their hands)

All opposed?

(Duncan raises his hand. Keith, Brady, and Brett are still not back)

3-1 vote, so DR it is.

(Sadness places a top hat onto Duncan Rock.)

[Duncan]

(dumbfounded) (sigh) Hey, if anyone deserves people giving them top hats and calling them ‘Captain’, it's me!

…

Right?

>Duncan<

When Topher announced I’d be competing against a ROCK, I was kind of relieved. Like the australian dude said, ‘free elimination’. Right? Wrong. He- IT might be an actual threat! As soon as we lose, that rock is going home.

…

Where do rocks live again?

[Cut to Team Why Mama, Why Mama Why]

[Brett and Steve are struggling to build the boat out of straw and glitter]

[Steve]

Weak. It’s no use! It keeps falling apart. If only we had glue or something…

[DJ]

(DJ is sobbing while hugging the cushion, when suddenly)

…

(To Cushion) What?

…

Ice cream for the road?

…

Oh! Thanks, Cushion! Great Idea!

…

Hey guys! Cushion had the greatest idea! Don’t ask why, but I have glue in my pocket!

[Manitoba]

...why?

[DJ]

I said don’t ask!

[Brett]

Nice work DJ! You too, Cushion!

(Brett sticks his hand in DJ’s pocket. He grabs a glob of glue and melts it in the sun, turning it sticky again. Grabs a glob of glue… try saying that 5 times fast)

[Steve]

(They speed-weave)

And… Done!

It ain’t much, but it’s honest work!

[Brett]

You got that right, bro!

(the camera pans to the boat. It looks surprisingly sturdy for a boat made of straw. On the head, glitter is glued forming letters that spell ‘FRIEND SHIP’.

[DJ]

Aww… That’s too cheesy! Even for Owen’s Mom.

[Brett]

Uhh.. Guess I better get back to my team, then.

[Leshaniqua]

Wait! Dude! You built this! Wouldn’t it be fair if you were to give ‘er a test run?

[Brett]

Hmm… I dunno how my team would feel about that, but I’m down!

>Leshaniqua<

Heh. I appreciate the kid helping us out, but I’m not gonna lose any opportunity to cripple the other team. What? It’s just strategy!

>Manitoba<

I see what that broad is doin’. Here Brett is, being true to himself, helping a bro in need. And that girl is using that as a chance to weaken the other team. Not cool. Manitoba will remember that.

[TEAM ALEJANDRO]

[Mama]

Mama LOVES the jackhammer!

[Blaineley]

Blaineley DOESN’T love being around Mama with a jackhammer!

(walks away quickly from Mama on a jackhammer)

[Jose]

Girls, girls. There’s no need to argue. After all, the boat is finito!

[Pans out. The boat is sturdy and made out of metal. Metal letters spelling ZEKE WUZ HERE are on the front]

[Zeke]

Go team! (mimics electric guitar)

[Blaineley]

Ok, you have gotta stop doing that.

[Topher]

All contestants! It looks like each boat is finished. Meet me at the Topher Tank - PRONTO.

[Jose]

Let’s give it a test drive.

(The team boards the boat)

(They speed away)

[TOPHER TANK]

[All 3 teams have their boats lined up at a starting line. There are buoys outlining a race track.]

[Topher]

Welcome teams! Team Alejandro! Wow, your boat looks topherific!

[Duncan]

Never use that adjective again.

[Topher]

Team Death. Your boat really says a lot about society. What’s with the top hat?

[Pestilence]

It represents the scourge of capitalism plaguing the very core of neo-libertarianism.

[Topher]

That’s deep. Haha. Boat puns… Team MWWMW! Your boat is adorable, but will it get the job done? 

[Brett]

With the power of friend-ship, anything is possible!

>Brady<

Man. This bro-power (tears). It's inspirational.

>Keith<

I’m sorry, is there something I’m missing? Brett. Is. On. OUR. TEAM. HE NEEDS TO GO, IMMEDIATELY. A part of me wants to lose this challenge, just to trim this dead weight. Hmm... Nah. I’m not stupid. The time will come, I just know it. Wait… lightbulb!

[Topher]

Guess there's nothing in the official rules that prevent someone on one team from actively participating for another. Whatever floats your boat! Ka-ching!

[Everyone]

…

[BCC]

(muffled groan)

  
  


[Topher]

Tough crowd. Anyway, for the rules. You know how I said there’s going to be hazards? Well, plot twist: You ARE the hazards! Each team will have one driver and one gunner. We’ve equipped each team with a tennis ball launcher, only, you don’t want to be hit by these tennis balls. (snicker) They’re IRON balls. (Sigh) Originally, we had explosives, but ‘the lawyers didn’t like that’, so this is the best we got.

[Keith]

(evil snicker)

[Topher]

I guarantee they will still hurt like hell, though! 

The driver will try their absolute best to maneuver around iron balls and reach it to the finish! The first team to make it to the finish wins immunity. The last team will lose a member. I will give you a minute to choose.

[TEAM ALEJANDRO EMBLEM]

[Jose]

Team, I am an expert matador. I assume piloting a boat is not very different.

[Blaineley]

Fine. You can be the driver, but don’t mess up.

  
  


[Body-Cast-Cameron]

(muffled) GUYS! WHAT I AM TRYING TO SAY IS THAT KEITH! HE STUCK A BOMB ON ME! DONT. CHOOSE ME AS SHOOTER!

[Owen’s Mom]

Choose you as the shooter?

[Zeke]

Well, he is a genius, eh? I say we listen.

>Ezekiel<

I saw everything. Truth is, I just needed a good laugh.

[BCC]

(muffled) NOOO!!

(Jose lifts BCC and throws his stiff body into the back of the boat)

(muffled groan)

[Keith]

Heh. Brady. The plan is working already. (points to BCC being in the boat)

[Brady]

Yeah… great.

[Keith]

Hmm.. you don't seem too enthusiastic. Hey, I know! Why don’t you pilot and I shoot! It’ll take your mind off of everything, I think.

[Brady]

You think so?

[Keith]

Yeah! I’m your best friend. Remember?

[Brady]

Yeah, of course dude!

>Brady<

Yeah, maybe he seems scary sometimes, but he’s really just a bro. And bros help each other out.

[Sadness]

Guess you don’t need our permission. I was going to nominate DR.

[Duncan]

Nahhhh. I know DR, he’s afraid of… boating..? Heh. You know how rocks are!

[Sadness]

Oh. I had no idea. Guess you two dorks can go, then.

>Duncan<

No way in HELL i’m gonna let Rocky be christened as captain of the team. Also… HE. IS. A. ROCK. HOW is he supposed to drive! He doesn’t have (twiddles thumbs) opposable thumbs!

… among other things...

[Pestilence]

(Files nail to a point)(To Keith) Just don’t hurt our baby. Or you. will. Die. (slices sharpened nail across her neck)

  
[Keith]

Relax. I got this in the bag.

[TEAM MAMA WHY WHY MAMA WHY]

[Brett & Steve]

Shot it! Jinx! You owe me a soda! No, you owe me a soda! Wait… so if we both owe each other a single soda… Does that negate the sodas..? Yeah, it does!

…

So we’re good.

Okay, I guess no matter how many times we jinx each other, the sum soda amount will be 0.

[Leshaniqua]

Just smooch already!

[Brett]

I drive!

[Steve]

I shoot!

[Brett and Steve]

WOOOOOHOOOO!

(they speed away)

[Topher]

So we have our contestants! Jose and Body-Cast-Cameron for Team Alejandro.

(Cameron begins screaming)

(he then groans)

What’s his deal?

(Jose shrugs)

For Team Death, we have Brady and Keith!

[Keith]

I tell ya, Toph. Even though you didn’t get those bombs greenlit, I have a feeling this challenge will be a blast.

[Brady]

Hey! That’s my pun.

[Keith]

It’s our pun.

(Communist theme begins to play)

[Topher]

Moving on… For Team Mama Mama Why Mama Why

[DJ]

Actually, it's Team Mama Why, Why Mama Why. You forgot the comma. 

[Topher]

For Team [That], we have Steve and Brett who may or may not belong to this team.

[Keith]

Hey uh… TEAM MEETING, Brett, get over here!

[Brett]

‘Scuse me just a sec.

(he goes to team death)

[Duncan]

Not cool dude, not cool.

[Sadness]

Competing for the other team? That’s kind of wicked. In the bad way, not in the cool synonym way.

[Keith]

No, guys don’t you see? Brett’s a genius! He managed to land the role of driver for the OTHER team! Don’t you see what this means?

[Duncan]

What, that he’ll totally win for the other team?

[Keith]

No, Duncan. Dude’s an undercover spy. He’ll sabotage them for us. Because he is a TEAM. PLAYER. (Brett looks nervous) Right? And if he wins for the other team, we’ll know exactly who we’re sending home first chance we get. But Brett won’t do that! He’s a  **TEAM. PLAYER.**

[Brett]

(gulp)

(cough) Yeah, bros. Team Destiny!

[Sadness]

Team Death.

[Brett]

Yeah! Woooo….

>Keith<

Yeah, I know I’m good. For the record, I’m not evil. I’m just in it to win it. 

[Brett]

(back with Team 3)

Hey Topher? Can I switch out for someone else?

[Topher]

Let’s see…  **NO.**

[Brett]

But why?

[Topher]

Because I said so. Think of all the DRAMA this situation will create. 

  
[Steve]

Hey Brett! Get on!

[Brett]

(Sigh) Coming!

[CUT TO THE THREE BOATS AT THEIR STATIONS]

[Topher]

On your marks… Get set… GO! (Tries firing a pistol) (nothing comes out)

Darn, it's a blank! What! WE COULDN’T AFFORD A REPLICA, PRODUCERS?

(The drivers look at Topher blankly)

I said go.

(Jose speeds away)

(Brady follows after him)

(Brett begins after them. Since their ship is the lightest, they go the fastest, but Brett catches a look in Keith’s eye. He ‘accidentally’ bumps TEAM ALEJANDRO’S boat)

[Brett]

Whoops! Sorry bra.

[Jose]

Mind where you’re steering, rata! Come on, Cameron! Hit him with those balls!

[BCC]

…

(muffled) I CAN'T!!

[Jose]

Stop being so lazy! Ugh, forget this.

(Jose speeds away)

[Steve]

Hang on… I got him…

(pop)

(headshot)

(on Cameron…)

(Cameron falls unconscious, muffled moaning, of course)

(Jose takes the lead)

Yes! Got’em!

[Brett]

Nice one, bro!

[Keith]

HEY!  **TEAM PLAYER!**

[Steve]

(sighs) (he slows down a bit)

(Keith and Brady pass them)

(Keith smiles)

Hey, what happened! Come on, bro speed up!

[Brett]

Oh, sorry! Gas leak! (nervous laughter)

(He speeds up again)

[Topher]

And Jose reaches the halfway checkpoint! Will he keep his lead?

[Keith]

No, he won’t.

[Brady]

Keith! Jose is out of range! Shouldn’t you use _ the secret weapon _ .

[Keith]

No. Not yet. I want him to almost have a taste of victory, before I rip said taste out of his grasp.

[Brady]

Are you sure you aren’t evil? (nervous laughter)

[Keith]

It’s not a matter of ‘evil’. It’s strategy! Speaking of strategy, we’ve got a bogey on our right.

(Brett and Steve are gaining on Keith and Brady)

(Steve aims the cannon at Keith)

(pop!)

(miss)

(pop!)

(miss, but it was close)

[Brady]

Return fire!

(pop!)

(miss)

Keith, this, is getting PRETTY close.

[Keith]

It sure is,  **TEAM PLAYER** .

[Brett]

(Brett pretends to “spin out”)

Woah!

(Death’s boat speeds way ahead. MWWMW’s Boat is going at a snail's pace.)

[Steve]

Brett come on! We have a challenge to win!

[Brett]

No! You do! I’m not even, like, on your team!

(suddenly Steve realizes Brett, in fact, isn’t on his team)

[Steve]

Oh… bro… I didn’t mean to get you wrapped in all of this. (Sigh). Jose probably reached the end by now. If you pass Keith, then it’s you going home for sure.

[Brett]

But if your team loses, it’ll be you going home for trusting me!

No, I can’t accept that. No way I’m letting you suffer on my behalf.

(Brett pours glitter into engine)

(the boat speeds ahead at unimaginable speeds)

[Steve]

Brett! You don’t have to do this!

[Brett]

Yeah, Steve, I do! WIN FOR MEEEE!

(Keith is smug, as he is confident he’s going to win. Suddenly, he realizes that Brett has just passed him.)

[Keith]

**TEAM PLAYER!!!**

(no response from Brett)

(Keith begins giggling) Hehehehehehehe.... (He takes out the red button)

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

[Brady]

Yeah, not evil.

[Keith]

(Presses button)

[Jose]

(around 20 feet from the finish)

Well, puny one, turns out I didn’t need your help at a-

**BOOM!**

  
  


[Brett]

Woah! 

(avoids shrapnel from explosion)

[Steve]

Guess they put too much glitter in the engine..?

(The boat has exploded)

(What's left is debris. Jose is floating on a piece of debris, but he doesn’t have a scratch. For some reason, he looks cheated.)

(Cameron probably needs another body cast. He is resting on a piece of boat)

[Jose]

*Swears in Spanish*

(Brett slows down)

(Keith and Brady pass them. They come in first.

[Keith]

Way to go, team player.

[Topher]

WOW! The DRAMA! I… SERIOUSLY didn’t see that coming. I hope the lawyers didn’t see that.. And with that, Team Death takes the gold! Team Death, thanks to your victory, you get to enjoy a luxurious stay at the Topher Tank! Food included.

[Duncan]

Yeah, I’m starving! Finally, some food!

[DJ]

Wait. What about the rest of us?

[Topher]

Yeah, the lawyers were on our case on that topic ALSO. Guess they aren’t too hunky-dory about starvation. I wonder why. So they’ve provided each of you with a complimentary fishing rod. (an intern hands a fishing rod to every non Team Death contestant)

And since Team Alejandro doesn’t have a boat anymore, that means they lose!

[Team Alejandro besides Cameron and Jose]

What?

[Blaineley]

We had that! What happened?!

[Jose]

I’ll tell you what happened!  _ Someone  _ got our boat blown up! (He elbows BCC in the side)

[BCC]

(muffled protesting)

[Cuts to elimination ceremony in the Topher Tank]

[Pre-elimination music begins to play]

[It’s the night]

[Topher]

Team Alejandro. In the beginning, it seemed like you HAD that challenge. From arriving first, to getting the best materials, to being in the lead for 3 quarters of the race… Makes a guy wonder. What HAPPENED? Was it…

(Camera pans to BCC) Sabotage?

Or perhaps something else. (Camera pans to Jose)

All I know is that someone will be walking the Poop Deck of shame. To be boarded on a piece of wood… And to be floated out into the expanse of the Atlantic Ocean… To never come back…

EVER.

Now, Team Alejandro, each member will have a chance to vote for someone in the confessionals. You may begin…. NOW.

>Jose<

I vote for Cameron, of course. (Stamps an X on a picture of Cameron, which also has him in a body cast. It’s his identity now)

No, I don’t believe he caused the explosion. Perhaps it was interference from another team… But still, everyone else on the team is too valuable alliance-wise. Away he goes!

>Owen’s Mom<

Gosh! Everyone on this team is just so nice! I don’t want to vote for anybody! (Sigh) 

>Mama<

I vote… for that spanish guy! He caused mah boy DJ to not be on Mama's team! Unforgivable!

>Zeke<

Hey, I may be on the first loser team, eh, but there is no way in HECK I'm going home tonight, yo! WOOHOO! Improvement! My vote? Hmm…

>Blaineley<

That little twerp is going home! He ruined my manicure! He also supposably blew up our ship. But who cares about that WHEN MY NAILS ARE RUINED!

>BCC<

(muffled) It’s a miracle I’m not more injured from that pipe bomb! I guess at a certain point, you hit an injury cap! Wait… I don’t feel injured… (Struggles)

(Cameron’s hands are released. He unwraps the bandages from his mouth)

(not muffled) OH MY GOD. I can talk! I guess the injuries from the pipe bomb overloaded my past injuries, so i’m just okay now! Thanks, Keith! Is that scientifically possible..? That doesn’t matter. What matters now is that Jose goes home!

  
  


[Topher Tank]

(Cameron walks out of the confessional, castless)

[Blaineley]

What the… You have a face?!

[Cameron]

I sure do, Blaineley. But Jose has two of them! 

[Topher]

Your votes have been tallied. And now. I have 5 immunity breath mints in my hand right now… we tried getting marshmallows, out of our budget, but I digress. 5 breath mints. If you get one, you are safe. For now. 

Ezekiel. You get a breath mint.

[Zeke]

I… I made it through episode one? WOOHOO! Let’s go, eh!

[Mama]

Aw, honey! I’m so proud of you!

[Topher]

Mama, you should be proud of yourself, because you ALSO made it another episode!

(Mama cries tears of joy. She hugs Zeke. Zeke hugs back, also crying tears of joy)

Blaineley! Somehow, you weren’t obnoxious enough to be sent home first. You get a breath mint!

[Blaineley]

Give me a break, kid. I didn’t change a bit. Other people just outdid me this time.

  
[Topher]

What she said. Now, we’re down to three.

(Cameron, Jose, and Owen’s Mom are left)

Owen’s Mom, I’m just wondering why you voted for yourself.

[Owen’s Mom]

Everyone here is just so nice! I couldn’t bear to vote for one of you.

[Everyone but Mama]

Aww…

[Topher]

But… Since you only have one vote, you get a breath mint.

[Owen’s Mom]

Yay! (nom) This will help with my cheese breath. 

[Topher]

Jose… Cameron…

One of you will be receiving a breath mint. The other will find their new home in the middle of the ocean. Who will it be...

(Tense pre elimination music cue)

….

….

….

…

(Jose looks nervous)

…

(Cameron looks concerned)

…

…

…

…

…

…

[Topher]

Jose!

[Jose]

What?!

[Topher]

You will NOT be going home tonight. Sorry Cam.

(Topher passes breath mint to Jose)

(Jose takes a sigh of relief)

[Cameron]

(elimination music)

Well. Can’t say it was fun. I’d say it was the opposite of fun, considering I was in body cast for most of the challenge and I had a pipe bomb attached to me. Yeah.

[Topher]

The Poop Deck of Shame awaits, Cameron.

[Cameron]

Uh… Bye team! I’ll remember you all in therapy!

  
  


[Jose]

Wait. If it wasn't you that made the bomb, who attached the pipe bomb to you?!

[Cameron]

Oh, it was- (gets pushed off by Topher)

AHHHHHHH-

(SPLASH)

(Cameron is floating in the water. He is grasping a piece of wood.)

(He begins drifting away from the Topher Tank)

[Topher]

Guess we’ll never know. We’ve got to keep the Drama, you know.

[Jose]

Topher, someone put a BOMB on a contestant. Isn’t that a reason for concern?

[Topher]

Hey, somebody has to keep things interesting around here. Why should I punish them for good ratings?

Our first contestant has been voted off, and there are plenty more to go! Who will win? Who will lose? Who will get blown up by another pipe bomb? Who can tell! Find out what happens next when we return on the next episode of TOTAL. DRAMA. LEGENDS!   
  



End file.
